worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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