the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
