I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just cropdusted the office
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
