The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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