get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
