No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
