Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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