I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
