I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
