I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
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I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
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i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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