I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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