He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you had me at cake vodka
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
