I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
