i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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