So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
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the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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