I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
