So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
