My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
