Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
