you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
