I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
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I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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