My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
