fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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