He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
