Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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