I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
