If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
