my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
