Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
