I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
