So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
