I smell stomach acid.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
