I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
