Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
