Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
jump out the window naked night went bad
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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