I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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