There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize