3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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