You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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