just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
