You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I didn't notice because vodka
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
