Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
