It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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