Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
