Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
