I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
