happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
