between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
