I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
