so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
