You're a womanizer and a bitch.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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