I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
