Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
