Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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