In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
