My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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