I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
