I need to stop coming to work sober
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
