I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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