got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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